A funeral, a movie, and a BIG decision

We decided to go ahead and try for a baby two weeks ago (night of 7th/ morning of 8th). Two events played a part in this decision: the emotional mess of Uncle John’s funeral followed by seeing the movie Family Man. Uncle John’s funeral was my first funeral experience. I am tearing up now as I think of it. I wasn’t particularly close to him but it was unnerving and upsetting to see people I am close to so upset. MaeMae and BoBo looked SO old. But the golden moment for us came during the minister’s sermon. He preached about how we should not wait until we are 65 to do what we want in life— because we may not make it. I can barely describe what he spoke of, but that was the gist of it. Well, at the same moment Darrell and I looked at each other and we knew we were both thinking the same thing. Why are we waiting for the perfect time to have a baby? There is no such thing as a perfect time.
Later, we talked about how we are fortunate to still have all our parents alive. But we know we won’t have them forever. I said that I would very much like to have all of them at least meet our baby. It means a lot to me that my father’s father held and loved me as a baby—even though I never knew him.
A day or two after the funeral we saw Family Man. Basically, a movie about a man who chose his career over a family and how he got the opportunity to see what he missed. Very emotional. That sent us, of course, into an emotional evening of discussing children. Darrell got very upset so I tapered off the conversation. He was babbling about wanting a baby but how he was so scared to. I remember him telling me he wanted to have a baby but he was just SO SCARED. So, with my heart hurting terribly, I told him it wasn’t the right time for us then. I had a brief thought of the months and years I anticipated waiting for him to work through this. I basically put him to bed after that, he was too upset to talk rationally.
But surprise, surprise—the next day at lunch Darrell very calmly said that he was serious about what he had said the night before. He thought it was time to try for a baby. I was a bit shocked by his calmness and the fact that he brought the subject up himself (never happens!). So, there I had it. A calm, serious response to my yearning. Why wasn’t I jumping for joy???
I never did jump for joy. I knew Darrell’s response was largely in part to his wanting to keep me happy. I was also a bit shocked that now is the time. A big step. But, over the next several days I would find myself suddenly with a huge grin on my face. And just as often I have second thoughts. Is it REALLY the right time?
My fears fall into 4 categories.
1. Will Darrell like being a father/ love the baby/ leave me if he doesn’t, etc.?
2. Will I give birth to a happy, healthy child? What if the baby is not formed right? Will I be a good mom?
3. What about all the money they cost? Can I REALLY stay at home? If I have to work, how will I manage?
4. A child requires you to be there and be responsible for 100% of the time for at least 20 years. EVERY DAY. Am I up to it?
I’m sure these are common fears but they are so REAL right now. A very serious time.
But when it comes down to it, we don’t do anything to protect a pregnancy from occurring. So I guess we really are giving it a good shot. But, I feel a little guilty!!
I must say that I REALLY look forward to telling people that I am pregnant. I daydream up different, creative ways to let everyone know. I look forward to the attention I will receive.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *