Terrified

I am terrified… so no I haven’t tested. I’m 10 dpIUI today. I am trying not to think of it at all, being only somewhat successful of course.
Why am I terrified now and not in prior cycles…
1. Well, we are nearing the end of our financial ropes. Honestly, we’ve spent way too much already.
2. We are nearing the limit to how many clomid cycles they allow. And my dr doesn’t do injectible IUIs.
3. I am trying to figure out what another baby is WORTH (for lack of a better word) to us… how many more cycles that mess with my head and DH’s work schedule. Worth going further in debt? Maxing out a credit card? Using the boys’ college fund (a little more than $1500)? Using everything we can possibly pull out of every nook, cranny, credit card & 401K? How does someone decide this?
4. I know I won’t be cycling next month… we’ll be away when I’ll need to get prescriptions and such. I loathe waiting.
5. I know that my odds go down with every cycle I am not pregnant. A woman who goes through 4 perfect cycles and doesn’t get pg… chances are something new is wrong. Endometriosis? Fibroids? Blocked tubes? Old eggs? Too many c-sections?
6. I am responding less well every month.
7. This is our last full sibling shot.
8. Every day I don’t know is a day I can still hope.
I really, really want this and I have no control over it. I requires a bit of magic.

One thought on “Terrified

  1. I was there and I’m here if you need to talk. Just an email away! Remember that! I’m praying for you! We did 7 cycles to get Sarah and I had just told Kevin that was our last cycle. I went through a year and a half of cycles, cysts and a Lap procedure to remove endo. Insurance didn’t cover a penny and we used credit cards and savings accounts too. Anyway-My point is, I’m here if you need to talk! Love ya!

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